


A Box Full of Darkness

by stormsleftinbetween



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 23:58:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19306492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormsleftinbetween/pseuds/stormsleftinbetween
Summary: Ever since they came off of their Olympic high, things have changed significantly. Especially for Scott, who finds himself more lost than ever before after four incidences change everything when it comes to Tessa.A very alternative take on reality.





	A Box Full of Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> As mentioned in the summary notes, this fic will be very loosely based on reality. I'm happy and relieved this isn't the current timeline of events, but I suppose that is what writing is for. ;)

**Early January 2019, Clearwater, Florida**

Scott was floating.

Floating on a tube in the middle of Muskoka lake in Northern Ontario. The rays of the sun hitting every inch of his body caused small sweat droplets to appear. The boats passing by were humming while the occasional summer breeze stirred the tree branches. This was Scott's happy place, his escape from the public to be present and take time to himself. At this moment, it felt like he had everything in life. He had everything he ever wanted, and he was at peace.

"Scott!" called the familiar voice, interrupting his thoughts.

Scott turned his head and looked towards the dock seeing Tessa standing in her bikini, a grin on her face and waving her arms wildly. He pointed towards the other tube sitting on the shore. "Come on, Virtch! It's beautiful out here."

She pushed the tube in the water and soon was floating next to him, leaning her head back. The sun hit her already freckled skin, causing Tessa to let out a content sigh. It was the perfect day.

"Why did you mess this all up?" said Tessa breaking the silence. Her face no longer had that wide grin, her eyes were not shining brightly. Sadness, disappointment, and anger clouded her face.

He alarmingly looked over at her. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you do this?" She repeated, her voice echoing.

The tube disappeared from underneath him, the current tugging his body underneath the cold depths of the water. He lost control of his movements, control of his actions, as he let the hardships overshadow the happiness. And just like that, what he held so dear to him, continued to drift away as he was yanked down deeper in the depths of the lake.

Scott immediately shot up in bed gasping and clutching his chest. Beads of sweat pooled around his hairline, his heart racing in his chest, as he tried to catch his breath to be brought back to reality. He blinked several times and looked around his room, to only see the shadows from the moonlight cascading across the wooden floor.

"Fuck," He exasperated, yanking the sheets away from him.

His feet padded towards the bathroom, trying to shake the feeling of the nightmare that haunted him for months.

It was the type of nightmare that had continued to recur for weeks; Ever since the smooth sailing life had suddenly plummeted into darkness.

Scott clutched the side of the bathroom sink, the whites of his knuckles and the veins in his hands pronounced. He tried controlling his breathing but failed in every attempt to calm himself.

"I'm sorry, Tess, I'm so so sorry," Scott whispered, lifting his head and gazing outside through his bleary eyes. His bottom lip trembled uncontrollably, and soon, a sob escaped him, and the thoughts of hatred towards himself escalate.

How did he let the happiness dissipate? Why did he let it get this bad?

"Scott?" called a voice, bring him back to reality.

His head lifted from the fetal position on the floor, his mind failing to recollect when he sat on the ground. Scott's eyes remained swollen from the tears, his throat scratchy from the sobs. "In here," Scott returned.

"Fuck, what are you doing here? I saw the sweat on the bed, and I—"Jackie said hovering in the bathroom doorway. She stood in her scrubs from work, after getting off a night shift, concern spreading in her hazel eyes.

"I'm fine, just don't worry. Go sleep, I'll be right in."

"Like every night this week?" She questioned. "You clearly aren't fine, and I don't know if this is about the divorce or—"

"It's not fucking that. You won't get it, no one will get it," He snapped.

She stared at him and turned around in the doorway, pressing her palm to her forehead and the other hand on her hip. Jackie paced around and slowly tried to collect her thoughts, knowing that her own frustration wouldn't do anything in return.

Eventually, she wandered back over in the bathroom and knelt down to place a hand on his back. His shirt was damp with his sweat, clinging to his back. Jackie heard the soft snivels and felt the occasional tremor that shot through his body.

"It's about Tessa, isn't it?" She said as calmly as possible, trying to hide her bitter tone.

"I think I lost her, I hurt her, and she wants nothing to do with me."

"Scott, you two ended things last summer. You went on two tours together, everything was successful. And then we—"

"I hurt her, I lost her," He mumbled not listening to a word she said.

"Scott, are you listening?"

"I can't shake her. I feel her, feel that she's hurting and I...I can't live knowing what I did."

"What did you do? You broke up, you couldn't make it work, and remained friends. Scott, I don't get it, you haven't seen her since—"She stopped, and her mind went back to the Walk of Fame weekend, then back to Christmas time when he met up with her to skate. He was never the same after he joined her again in Florida for New Year's Eve.

Jackie started to say her initial thought and then bit her lip, shaking her head. "You need help, I can't deal with this every night. Unless you open up to me, but—"

He didn't hear her and just repeated, "I hurt her, I lost her."

"I'm going to call your mom tomorrow morning. We will figure this out, okay?"

"I'm so sorry, so sorry," said Scott.

It appeared as if he was looking at Jackie and saying it to her, but his mind seemed to be in a different place. Her heart sunk, and she stood up, turning her back towards him. She had no clue who he was talking to, and if he had actually lost his mind.

~~

**Mid-January 2019, Toronto, Ontario**

The clock ticked in the hallway, the sound echoing. Scott bounced his legs up and down, jaw clenched, and his head leaned downward. His fingers were curled around the edge of the bench, and his heart racing. It felt ridiculous to feel anxious about seeing a therapist, especially when he had done this multiple times before. Yet, it never got easier.

It could be the subject matter per se. Talking about Scott's skating career and what he will do to fill the void afterward was always a hard topic. A topic that would still proceed to talking about Tessa. A more challenging issue that he found himself struggling with more, with each therapist stating he needed to figure out what his feelings actually meant and what he wanted out of the relationship.

He thought he figured it out and established boundaries, after temporarily crossing the line. That was when Jackie came into it, and that is when he forced himself to look at Tessa just as a friend and nothing more. But was she just a friend?

Scott sighed and leaned against the wall, slouching and closing his eyes. He could run, abandon the need for help to figure it out on his own, or stay and go through painful realizations with the therapist. Both choices sucked.

The door next to the bench opened with one of the therapist's clients leaving. She was tall and slender, with long brown hair and blue eyes, with a smile on her face. "How could anyone be smiling after therapy?" Scott thought, knowing that he always started and left therapy with a frown.

"Are you Scott Moir?" said the therapist, poking his head out of the door. "I'm Dr. Michael Robinson, it is nice to have you here, and I hope we can figure out what is going on."

Scott nodded and stood up, finally unclenching his jaw. "Yeah, I am. Nice to meet you." He shook Michael's hand firmly, before following him into the room.

Like any other therapy room, it was warm and inviting with that underlying cliche. There was a leather couch in the center of the room, with a chair that Michael would be sitting at with a pen and notebook, documenting all of Scott's feelings and stories.

He took a seat on the leather couch and immediately dropped his head to look at his hands, hearing Michael take a seat.

"So, what brings you here today?"

Scott loathed that question. Wasn't it obvious why he would be here out of all places? Nonetheless, he swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes remaining locked on the area rug. "I have been having nightmares."

"Nightmares?"

Scott nodded.

Michael continued, "Do they vary, or are they consistent in the premise?"

"Consistent, mostly."

"Are you comfortable to elaborate?"

Scott glanced up at Michael, then fixed his gaze outside. "I guess it always starts out happy with Tessa, who was my skating partner, and ends with her hurt and accusing me of things."

"What things?"

Scott remained quiet.

Michael adjusted his position in his chair and noted Scott's immediate tension upon being asked about Tessa. "So you say that she accuses you of things. Would you say that the accusations are valid? Are you feeling guilty of those things?"

Scott paused and took a deep breath, his heart racing in his chest. He knew what Tessa referred to in his dreams, he knew that there were incidents that led him to this point. Events that occurred out of frustration, lust, and stupidity. Scott shamefully hung his head low, almost afraid to answer and come to terms with out loud.

"Scott?" He asked.

"I don't want to talk about that right now," He whispered.

Michael nodded understandingly and jotted something else down. "You have had a long history with Tessa from my understanding. I'm sure not all of the times resulted in these nightmares. Is there any particular time in your partnership where you felt at ease? Happy, perhaps?"

"Of course. There have been so many great times with her," said Scott, "We have this history that would take weeks to even cover." He half-laughed thinking about the longevity of their friendship and how it was quickly thrown in shambles after four mistakes. Four mistakes that were all his fault.

"Okay," smiled the therapist, "how about we start off easy, and you tell me about a time where your relationship was great, and you felt happy?"

~~

**Mid-February 2018, Somewhere over the Pacific Ocean**

"You awake?" whispered Scott listening to the low hum of the airplane. He sat up in make-shift bed on the plane and peered over the divider to look down at Tessa.

Tessa rolled over to stare at the ceiling, chewing on the bottom of her lip. She ran her hands down his face, and a small groan came from the back of her throat. "Yes, even though I know I shouldn't be," She sighed, glancing over at him quickly, "we aren't following what B2Ten wanted. They said we need--"

"Tess, one sleepless night won't set us back."

"How do you know?" She demanded.

Scott shrugged, "Something inside of me is just telling me that we'll be fine." He looked over at her and saw the underlying discontent on her face. "Virtch, they already know you're restless, so don't worry about it. I'm sure they anticipated that without even letting you know."

He anticipated her intoxicating giggle in response, but instead, he got silence. Scott peered over the divider, immediately recognizing that she was uneasy. He knew from the way her breathing was deep but shaky, and how her hands were clenching and unclenching while she chewed on her lip.

"Is it pre-competition thoughts consuming your mind?"

"Always," She frowned, but then quickly brushed aside the negative thoughts to opt for a positive comment. "You know, I can never get comfortable in these lay-flat business class seats. Makes me wonder how we survived in the main cabin when we were younger?"

Scott gave her a crooked smile. "It was before we set our sights on the Olympics. We were just happy to explore a different country, experience something new, and if we lost, there was always next year." The last words echoed through his brain, as he slowly realized that this would most likely be their last year competing, and after this, the future was unknown.

"And now here we are, off to our third and final Olympics, ending our competitive career," She whispered seconds later.

Scott nodded, knowing that Tessa was feeling anxious. He would be a liar if he said he didn't feel that same sense of uncertainty. They knew that they implemented every step possible to give themselves the best chance at taking back their title, as well as make sure that the competition flame burning inside of them would not go out.

Two years had passed since they made that decision to return to competition. To Scott, it was never about winning or losing, but it was about getting close to Tessa. His Tessa that he had been irrevocably in love with since he even knew what love was. It was then on the Great Wall, both sweaty and panting, did he tell Tessa, "I'm in love with you."

Everything changed between them after that moment on the Great Wall. The boundary that they had held up for years came down, and soon they found themselves intertwined in the bed sheets night after night. The sex, the stolen kisses, and the outtings together felt like a dream that neither wanted to wake up from; they knew it had to stop. Why? Their longing to do another Olympics outweighed the desire to settle down together.

The boundary went back up for them, both agreeing to not cross it till they reached their shared goal. They couldn't be distracted, and couldn't let an added layer to their already complex partnership interfere with their training. They mutually agreed to put things on a halt, but it didn't mean it was easy. The feelings were still there for both of them and continued to grow despite their complete devotion to their goal on and off the ice. There were days and nights where Scott just wanted to kiss Tessa, and this was one of the moments.

Scott cleared his throat, "Come here, T. If we can't sleep, then let's watch a movie." He scooted over in his own seat and patted the smooth leather.

Tessa peered over the divider, hesitant at first. She looked around at the other fellow athletes who were all asleep, hoping that there would be no questions if they saw them. She then climbed out of her own seat and wiggled her way around the barrier. His arms were open and waiting for her.

"You promise you aren't saying you can't sleep because of me?" She asked, still hovering above him.

"If you can't sleep, I can't sleep," He replied simply.

Tessa laid down next to him and immediately drawn against his chest, enveloped by his warmth. He covered them with the airplane blanket and pressed his lips into her hair, before powering on the small television in front of them.

"What type of movie are you thinking, T? Action, drama, a rom-com…?"

Her head rested on his chest, feeling the steady heartbeat. "Scott?"

"Hmm?" He said, flipping through the options.

"What if this comeback is all for nothing?" said Tessa shifting underneath the blankets.

Scott looked down at her alarmingly. "God, no, Tess. This wasn't all for nothing. You know we did this for us, and no one else."

"I know, I feel stronger than ever but also as vulnerable as ever. What if we disappoint everyone and lose?"

"Then at least we know that we did everything we possibly could do to prepare for this." He placed the remote down and then gently cupped underneath her chin to lift it up. "I'll still be in love with you no matter what, okay? You know that the only thing I have wanted to do since that damn therapy session is kiss you—"

Her eyes squeezed shut. "Scott," She warned, knowing what he was trying to get at. "We can't, at least not until we reach our goal. We can't risk it."

"I know, and trust me, it'll be well worth the wait."

She opened up her eyes and gave him a small smile in return. "Adding in song lyrics this time, I see. I love that," She giggled.

He crookedly smiled, "Gord spoke the truth. Some things are well worth the wait, and you will be the best thing I have waited for in my life."

~~

**Mid-January 2019, Toronto, Ontario**

"I thought that was going to be the rest of my life," said Scott, his voice devoid of emotion.

Michael stared at Scott for a while, trying to get a better read on how Scott was feeling. From the constant shifting his position, rubbing his hands together, and the slump in the shoulders it was clear to the therapist that Scott was unsteady and his thoughts were drifting to the present situation and how different it was.

"If you feel comfortable answering, did you and Tessa cross that boundary after you won?"

Scott stared at Michael and slowly nodded his head.

"I see," said the therapist. He wrote something else in his notepad, then adjusted his glasses. "And how did you feel after you crossed that line from friendship into romance? Awkward? Weird--"

"Alive, secure, and that she was the only person I wanted to kiss the rest of my life," Scott said without thinking. He immediately tensed upon hearing his own words and closed his eyes. Thank God, Jackie wouldn't ever hear this.

"And things didn't work out?"

"No, I have a new girlfriend."

"How does she make you feel? What is the first word that comes to your mind?"

Scott swallowed, "lost."

"How does it make you feel lost?"

He swore slightly under his breath, hating this part about therapy. Twiddling his fingers around, Scott slouched and stared at the ground. "I don't know, that's the thing. After Tessa and I broke up, I . . . Uh. . . Lost myself. I knew I wanted a family, so I opened myself up right away to find another life partner."

Scott licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair, hearing his own words come from his mouth.

"I guess I rushed into it after Tessa and I ended things, but Jackie and I get along fine. The relationship started off great, even with the distance, but that was before the nightmares started. After the nightmares started, Jackie couldn't deal with them anymore, and hence why I am here. I guess things are strained, I haven't heard from her."

The therapist nodded and jotted down a few more things. He adjusted his glasses and attempted to make eye contact with Scott, whose gaze remained fixed on the ground. "Well, perhaps she knows you need a bit of time and space as we sort things out."

Scott shrugged, "yeah, I guess."

Michael closed his notebook and smiled softly at Scott. "It appears we are almost out of time, but I think for the next session, we need to start exploring how you progressed to this point. Was there any moment that you think triggered you to get where we are now?"

Scott paused in his response initially, then shook his head. "That is the thing, Michael, it wasn't one moment. It was four moments that . . . that brought me here today."

"Four?"

"Yeah, four, and the last one is destroying me. I can't even bear to think about it." Scott pressed his hand against his forehead and let out a shaky breath.

"We will have to open up those boundaries you are blocking from your conscious," softly said Michael, "but we have time, several weeks in fact."

Scott dryly laughed, "so is this what my fate will be here? Deep thinking about my actions and nothing else?"

Michael returned the laugh. "Well, the goal here is to help your mental wellness by encouraging your mind to process memories that are suppressed and find ways to navigate tough situations. We also want to instill methods to tackle any future problems."

"It is a lot."

"Well, rehab is never easy. I'll see you in two days, okay? I think the doctor prescribed you some medication that will help you sleep more soundly, and reduce any nightmares. Have you been taking it?"

Scott nodded, "yeah, I have."

"Good. It was nice to meet you, Scott, and I hope I can provide tremendous help."

Scott left the room with the feeling that he was more lost than before. He was foolish to think this would all get resolved and he could check himself out of rehab, slightly embarrassed that he was even here to begin with.

He knew Jackie and his parents encouraged him to come here out of love, and nothing else, but he hated every moment here. Everyone seemed fake when they were talking to him. And then the people that weren't talking to him were broody and borderline creepy. Who knew what they thought about him. Some ex-Olympian who had a mental breakdown.

Scott walked down towards the sitting area that overlooked Lake Ontario. He had to admit that the air felt fresher and cleaner here than it ever did in Tampa. Although he did miss the sun and the ability to wear shorts every day, it did feel refreshing to have on his warm winter coat and snow boots.

He sat down on the bench and watched the constant movement of the water on the lake. What would Tessa be doing right now? Would she be taking her afternoon nap? Working on more sponsorship opportunities? Or take the day to herself?

Scott missed hearing her laugh, missed her sense of humor. He hadn't heard it in months, mostly due to his own doing. Sighing, he rubbed both sides of his face, not caring about how cold it was outside.

"I'm a mess, a fucking mess," He whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
